Welcome to My Mind-Please Excuse the Mess

Back in DC

2010-01-09T22:12:00.000-08:00

Hello DISTRICT!

Well it's been really GOOOOOD for me to be back here in DC after my semester abroad in NZ. I still find myself in disbelief that it's over already. But no worries--i'll be back as soon as I possibly can be. :D

I had been afraid that while I was in Colorado I had hyped up what it would be like to return to DC. But I am happy that it's been very good. I was picked up at the airport by AJ and Kaia and they drove me to my friend Ryan's house who I was staying with for the night. I moved in today and have met one of my two roommates. The room is nice and clean and big and I love our kitchen. So I'm excited about this semester.

It'll be nice to keep busy and not have to think about anything or anyone that takes up too much emotion. I already have 4 gigs set up for Troubadours and I can't wait to start rehearsing again and meeting the new Troubs. It will be a good, fast semester.

Dear Dylan

2009-07-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Dylan,

I've just finished reading your notebook (or as the rest of the world calls it: your diary).

And it makes me so sad. You were just a high school boy, tormented by the "popular" jocks. It's not until the last few pages that you really start illustrating a violence towards others. All the first 40-some pages were about you and your own self-hatred. And it makes me sad. You were just a high school boy: I would be willing to bet that a few years from that point you would have been a lot more mature. I wonder what your childhood was like, how your parents treated you, how your elementary school teachers were to you.

I can tell you were an awkward youth, tormented by the bullies and the fact that you didn't know how to speak to girls. I wish you hadn't hated your life so much. Just from reading your entries, I feel like it was Eric's literal hate of the world that pulled you into the events of April 20, 1999. I know he was the ring-leader. He came up with this idea: and although you helped, you wouldn't have had the guts to do this on your own. I wonder if he would have done it anyway if you had refused to help. I think the part you were looking forward to most was the suicidal part: ending your miserable life. For him, it was more about killing others. It was actually about the hate he harbored for so many people and things. I so wish someone could have reached out to you and that you would have seen that person and accepted their love. But things happen for a reason, even tragedy.

So much of the stories surrounding April 20 is all about the victims and their families: and although they are extremely important, it's all too easy to forget about the perpetrators, who were victims as well. Victims of being outcasted, bullied, hated for being different. I am, in no way, trying to justify what you and Eric did that day. It was wrong in every aspect and it should never have happened. 13 innocent people died that day. And you took their lives from them. But I do see where you may have been coming from. I don't know why this all happened, but I trust that it has happened for a reason. There's a part of me that wonders what would have happened if you hadn't walked into Columbine High School that morning armed with guns and pipe bombs. But I guess there's really no point in wondering that.

I don't really know how to end this letter, especially considering you'll never read it. So I'll just end it here. I'll never forget Columbine.

Post-Africa

2009-05-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

Africa was... incredible. In so many ways.

It was incredible to sing there and share American music. And also to learn all sorts of cool songs in the African style.

It was incredible to see all the beautiful scenery

It was incredible to learn about the history of South Africa and the recent past.

But mostly, it was incredible to be living in a different culture, just for a few days, among a more humble people. I have never been so blatantly face to face with poverty. And I've never been so humbled. People there have little to nothing, and find so much joy in life. They find joy in having a family, having any clothes or any shelter whatsoever, no matter how shabby. They find joy in their friendships and neighbors. People here long for education, food, shelter, clothing, water, electricity, etc. They struggle with basic needs daily... and yet they find more joy in their lives than some of the richest people in the world. My mom always told me it was better to be poor and happy, than rich and unhappy. I believed it then, I believe it even more now.

In ten days in Africa, I feel like I've actually changed. Something within my perspective and the way I think about the world is no longer the same. I simply cannot complain. I just can't anymore. Entire families live in homes the size of my bedroom. Single rooms, with no mattresses, no running water for cleaning or bathrooms, no privacy. I have everything in the world. I live in the most powerful country, I have more than enough of the basic needs, and then I have accessories.

I'm sick of the same old stuff here. Seriously. The things I found funny at one point now give me a mild smile. They're just not funny. And the things that I used to really care about--don't matter anymore.

I have come home to a CO that hasn't changed. To a place where all the people are the exact same people I left, but older. They laugh at the same stuff, they find distress in the same stuff, their routines are barely any different... and I have changed. The world I grew up in is the same. But the world I live in now is drastically different. My heart aches for DC and for my friends there. They are my true friends, the lifelong ones. I have a few lifelong friends in CO, of course. Jamie. Obviously. I hardly need to clarify. But other than that, Colorado doesn't feel like home as much as it used to. DC is home. Colorado feels like a long vacation. For the first time in my life, I don't actually want to be here. I want to be with people in DC, who shared my Africa experience and understand where I stand. No one here gets it.. they can't. They weren't with me. What am I to do? My heart actually hurts. I want to go home.

South Africa

2009-05-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

YAY!!!! I am so excited about the fact that I'm going to be in South Africa for 10 days!!!

I can't believe that my choir gets to do this.

We all get to do a bunch of service projects: working/playing with orphan kids, sponsoring young adults/students, and painting/building houses. I can't wait to feel like I might be doing something right. Something that God wants me to do--to help those who are poor, lonely. God focuses so much of His attention on the poor of the world-in so many ways.

He wants us to help those who are financially and materially poor.

He wants us to help those who are spiritually poor--those who do not know Him.

And even though all these projects are sponsored through the choir tour, it's just a simple taste of the stuff that I could do to help those around me. I really can't wait to spend time down there, making new friends and getting to know the true needs.

I pray that God would make this a fun trip--but more importantly, a spiritual one. One that will make me open the Bible and seek answers. One that will make me want to spend more time in prayer. One that will ensure that I see God's face among those whom I will work with.

I know this is going to be incredible.

Weekend in NY

2009-05-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

So right after my last final I decided I wanted to spend the weekend in New York City to hang out with my cousins. Sleep just hasn't been something that's really happened. haha.

Thursday I pulled an all nighter for a final, and then I went to a party till 3 am. I got to bed around 4, and woke up at 8 to catch my 9 am bus to NY.

I slept on the bus though. Of course.

So I get to NY and I have directions to find my new cousin-in-law Damien and get the spare keys to the apartment I would be staying at. My cousin Jiwun, (who I was staying with) was out golfing at the time. So I met Damien, (after much confusion at the subway), got the keys, and got back to 84th Street (I don't even know how). I was hanging out in the apartment for a few minutes when my cousin got back. He changed and whatnot and we talked and laughed for a few hours. We decided to have dinner with his sister and my cousin Haewon. (who is Damien's wife). We went to this middle-eastern restaurant, that was absolutely wonderful. I had lamb kabobs... so GOOD! haha. Anyways we ate dinner, and then we got dessert at this little bakery. We went to Haewon and Damien's place and chilled for a while. I was getting sleepy, and decided to head home. Jiwun was going out to play cards, which he invited me to but I declined. Something about sitting in a smoky room watching boys play poker isn't something I wanted to do, especially when sleep seemed so inviting. :)

So that's day one. I slept in till 11:30 the next day, which was AWESOME.

We grabbed brunch at the Grape and Grain. I had granola with yogurt, almonds, and fruit--which sounds boring but it was delicious.

We walked back to Haewon's and then Jiwun and I got a cab back to the apartment so I could be picked up by my buddy David, who was driving me back to DC.

And here comes to fun part of the weekend::

David and I drove out and were about a half hour into Jersey, when his car died. We waited an hour for roadside assistance to come help. They missed us the first time, circled back, and told us there was nothing they could do unless they went back to the shop to get a little part. We agreed to do that, since the shop was close. They came back within another half hour with an entire battery (which was NOT the part we had talked about), and told us they had to charge us $150. Just to get off the road, David and I split the cost. We found out the battery wasn't the problem after all. So they take out the new battery, put the old one back in, and tell us we'd be refunded. Then they tell us there's nothing they can do so they call a tow truck.

45 minutes passes before the tow arrives. (BTW, its about 10 pm by this point. And we broke down around 6). We get towed off the road, with plans to call AAA and have them come fix the problem, and then we could just get to DC around 2 am.

Turns out, David didn't have the card and AAA is a bit anal about this apparently.

After many phone calls and arguments, AAA comes. As we wait in this dingy office with some pretty nice people, we're calling friends and family in NY to let them know what's going on.

AAA shows up and it looks like they can't fix it. Our last option is to have the car towed back to Brooklyn and stay one more night in NY. So we decide to go for it. But the guy won't take the car unless he gets approval from his boss (who is unreachable) to take us. We finally figure our payment and whatnot and he loads the car and we're on our way out to Brooklyn. After another 45 minutes or so we FINALLY get to our destination. It is now 1:30 am.

I got to DC this afternoon around 4 pm after taking the bus with David.

FUn weekend. lol.

UGHHH

2009-04-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but lately I've been feeling pretty angry... like all the time. I just don't know why. Tiny things set me off and I'm just mad the rest of the day. It's kind of weird... I'm not used to being all angsty... isn't all that teenage angst supposed to disappear as you grow up?

I mean, I thought I got that whole deal out of the way in high school. All I did then was hate and be angry at everything. Why is this coming back?

The main thing I want to say all the time is "uggghh"... and for some reason, I've been really wanting to get in a fist fight with someone--like if someone tried to steal my bag. I think that'd be a legit reason to get into a fight. Realistically, that's a very stupid thing to do and I don't think I'd go along with it. But still, it's this overwhelming feeling to punch a wall or something hard and inanimate. I just really don't want to break my hand.

I hate feeling this way. I feel like I need to just explode and let it out, but I have no idea how to do so. Who can I talk to without taking it out on them and cursing them out? No one deserves that. What can I do?? AAAHHHHHHH!!

Honestly, I think I'm just getting sick of people in general. And it's that piled on top of it being the end of the school year, work loads increasing, and the fact that I have 4 finals and a voice performance exam. I want this year to be over. And I want it to be over so I can go home, chill out with people I adore at home for a month, and then leave for an entire semester. Wow, New Zealand has never been so appealing.

Please pray for me. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. But if its' God's will, then so be it. If I grow from this, it's worth it. I just need that reminder.

....

2009-04-16T19:41:00.001-07:00

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey world--shut up.

Catch Me If You Can

2009-03-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

I think that's something I've tried to tell God a few times before, and each time He lets me run for a while (probably laughing at me, as I run in circles), waits for me to get tired enough to stop, and then comes in with His convicting Truth.

Well I just recently stopped running in stupid circles. If it were an actual path, I'd probably running in the ground 3 feet deep because I had run the same steps a million times. I've been feeling very empty and very hungry lately. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I knew I was hungry for God and that the only thing that wouldn't make me feel empty was God. But I did that whole thing where I tried to justify that I wasn't far from God because I do regular quiet times, I pray, I go to church, I sing worship songs, blah, blah, blah... it's dangerous to let those things that are so crucial to your Walk become a routine. Which is exactly what I did.

Before I became a Christian and gave my life to Christ, I was an extremely bitter person. If I had to describe myself in one word, "bitter" would be it. I hated everything about everything. People sucked, life sucked, everyone was stupid, including myself, and nothing good ever lasted. But then I was found and rescued by Jesus and all that bitterness disappeared. I was able to forgive those who had wounded me so deeply, I learned that all of the evil in my life was forgiven, and I was able to let go of all that bitterness. It melted away, simply disappeared. And in it's place there existed love, passion, caring, and faith. What a wonderful feeling!

And then I got to college. And since freshmen year, these bitter feelings have been returning. Slowly, but surely. I have paranoia issues. I didn't join a Christian fellowship for an entire semester because I thought everyone in that group was just judgmental and judged me and didn't think I was a good Christian, and blah.... and although I still think I was right when it came to some people (mainly just two or three), I definitely read into things the wrong way. I was overly paranoid that people thought I wasn't a real Christian because I'd be holding a Soho cup full of Sprite at a random party. I didn't want people to think I was drinking underage or getting drunk... I didn't want people to get the wrong idea of me. So I automatically jumped to conclusions and placed the blame on those around me, so I wouldn't have to deal with it myself. I have issues with my Christian fellowship here. I do. But now that I think about it, I think that'd be true of anywhere I was, and any other group I'd be a part of. No group is perfect. No church is perfect. We are all broken people living in a broken world. The difference is found in who has Christ and who doesn't. It's easy to forget that.

Anyways, I've been doing some pretty good devotionals and quiet times. And this morning I've decided to cut the BS, stop skirting around and beating around the bushes, and dive in. I no longer care about what I'm going to learn about myself. I'm pursuing Christ with all that I have again. I'm sick of being afraid of seeing something about myself that Christ doesn't like. If He doesn't like it, it needs to go. But I need to know about it first. SO there we go--I'm getting over myself. I know there will be pains and uncomfortable discoveries about myself, about others, and whatnot... but anything is worth getting closer to Jesus Christ. I can't believe I let myself forget that. If I suffer, it is only because Jesus thinks I am worthy to. I'm sick of being a "bare minimum" Christian. I'm done with that crap. No more distractions, no more excuses. Christ is the center again. I hate that it's taken me so long to get to this point, but I'm here and that's all that matters.

I've always been okay with Christ. Now I'm pursuing a place to be great with Christ.

So now, it's not to Christ that I say this, but to the world: Catch me if you can.

Love is...

2009-03-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

phew.

My best friend is currently up here in DC visiting me for Spring Break! Its fun, I get to do all the tourist stuff I don't have time to do when school is in. So that's nice. But it's been a rough couple of days to be honest. She has just started this new relationship with this guy, we'll call him Blake. They've been "official" for like 2 weeks, but they've really been dating for a month and a half or so now. I've been concerned about her. She's always had anxiety (to the point where I don't understand why she hasn't been put on anti-anxiety meds yet). And it tends to increase in unfamiliar places with unfamiliar people. So here she is, in DC, with only one person she knows well enough to feel comfortable at all. And the whole week before spring break, her and Blake were having troubles. He's the type of person to really cut himself off from society when he gets stressed out, and right before spring break is the inevitableness of midterms. Stress is high and mighty during this week, especially for an engineer, which is what he is. So anyways, I've been getting calls all week from a frantic and anxious best friend who tends to read into things too much because of her anxiety and continuously worries, even if logic is on her side.

Anyways, the night before she came up here things with Blake got slightly better. Not enough to change the whole relationship to the way it was before, but enough to get her by. But of course, it still wasn't enough to quell her anxiety enough to enjoy where she is and who she's visiting. I've had to deal with her being constantly online just to see if he pops up, constantly checking and re-checking her phone for missed calls and/or text messages, and the random thoughts that come out of her mouth about him in the middle of conversation. It's been rough, to be quite frank. And I've had to constantly keep myself from simply rolling my eyes at her.

But then this morning, the Lord sent me a little reminder in a very unexpected way. My roommate and I are trying to memorize verses: starting with easy ones that everyone already knows. We do this mainly by writing the verse on a notecard, sticking it into a plastic back, and duct-taping it to the far wall in the shower. Each of us spend 10-15 minutes in the shower and it gives us 10-15 minutes to memorize. Currently, the verse that is in the shower is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.... ahhh now this blog makes sense doesn't it?

This is what the verse says: "Love is patient and kind, it does not envy or boat, it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist upon its own way, it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

...

Needless to say, it kind of hit me. For the two days she's been here, I have been IMPATIENT and IRRITABLE and RESENTFUL. I have not hoped in this, believed in this, born this, or endured all this. I have not been loving her the way God loves her. I haven't been loving her the way God wants me to love her. And I felt ashamed. All I could think about was how I was the victim of such anxiety-- she's the real victim. I don't have anxiety to that level. And she's expressing how she feels--> how many times do I wish people did that more often? I've been the hypocrite and jerk this whole time. And it's amazing how a little reminder from God can change everything. I am going to patient now. Not resentful nor irritable. I will bear this, believe this, hope this, and endure this. Thank God for His little reminders. :)

Would You Rather.... (read all the way)

2009-03-05T19:21:00.000-08:00

sleep for a full day and be awake the rest of the week, or sleep normally??
lie on a bed of needles or walk over coal?
eat rocky mountain oysters or have a spider walk on you?
be tan and have dry skin or be pale and have moist skin?
be deaf or blind?
do 2000 hours of community service or spend 4 days in prison?
give up chocolate forever or have permanent health?
have cancer at 20 and have 6 months to do whatever, or get cancer at 65 and have a year?
die for the world, or for the ones most precious to you?
try and survive a concentration camp or be a torturer within one?
see a loved one suffer till death or be the one to perform euthanasia?
be popular but a liar, or lose friends over things you stand firm on?
love only one person forever or love all people temporarily?
be told everyone hated you or have people lie to you and pretend they liked you
see a loved one suffer severe consequences they deserve or take their pains and consequences on yourself even though you're innocent?
forgive, knowing they'd never accept it, or not forgive and give them what they deserved?
live a life of "fun" and spend eternity in hell or live the most awful, poverty-stricken, unhappy life and spend eternity in heaven?
believe there was a God and find out there wasn't one or not believe and find out He was real?

A rant, if you will.

2009-03-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

I apologize to any of my readers in advanced. This will be a stupid, pointless, girly rant. So please do yourselves a favor and don't read this if you're not up for being annoyed with me. :)

I say this for your own good. lol.

This weekend was interesting. It was good... kinda. My cousin got married and I loved the ceremony, I made new friends, and her husband is awesome. I couldn't be happier for her. Of course, the thorny side of witnessing such a beautiful thing is that inevitable longing to be in a relationship. I really miss being in one. But more than that, I really miss having someone to look after me. And not having to fend for myself all the time. I know, I know... Christ looks after me and protects me more than I know of. I KNOW THAT. But that doesn't mean I know it, think about it, and *poof* the longing disappears. If that were the case I'd be perfectly fine, this blog probably wouldn't exist, and you all would be spared my incoherent and pointless thoughts. O, if life were so easy. But I really do just need to get this out of my head and onto something else so it's not preoccupying my mind too much.

The best thing about this weekend was seeing my dad. I love my dad more than most people. He gives me wise words and quiet love all the time. He makes me laugh, he comforts me when I cry. He is a father that I wish every other child could have. Spending time with him this weekend made the whole weird emotions thing worth it. I really miss him a lot already. Hugs from my dad are the most comforting thing ever. And saying good-bye to him is one of the worse feelings I know.

I learned a lot about my family. Never tick off a Yoon woman. Seriously... that saying "Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned" has never been truer. You laugh at that: but it's not a good thing. They don't know how to forgive. If someone is wrong about anything or insulting in any way, forgiveness is the last thing on their minds. And to me, it was shocking to see the utter unforgiveness. On our way to the wedding, it was raining. When it rains in NYC, cabs don't exist unless you caught one right when it started. So we paid, fairly cheaply, for a limosine to take us there. Yeah... what?? Anyways, the man didn't really know where he was going. He wasn't a taxi driver, after all. But we did end up being 20 minutes late or so. And yes, I was annoyed. But everyone else was PEEVED beyond all reason and saying some really unforgiving things about this man they didn't know-- who was trying to be as sweet as possible. I'm sure he already felt stupid. I felt so bad for him. It was heartbreaking to see the absolute pride that each of them held. It's the reason for all the drama in our family that already exists, which I will NOT go into detail about.

O and a few of my cousins are into some really weird stuff. For example, two of them (who are married) have a painting in their house. Juan showed me a picture of this painting. And it was DISTURBING. It was a baby, with the head of a lamb, pinned to a cross. It was very dark, and it honestly makes me fear them a little bit. I've always seen signs of them being into some really weird stuff, but I denied it-- thinking that I was just jumping to conclusions. I'm older and smarter now, and unfortunately, less able to ignore such things. Ignorance is bliss.

And my best friend, bless her soul, is now officially in a relationship. Again. She broke up with someone a little while ago. And I was glad for it because it was an unhealthy relationship. But now she's in that honeymoon phase all over again. I just can't help but ask: why not me? She gets all this attention from guys and God forbid that I be spared from being told about ANY of them. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself with her. For the most part I don't. It's just that it's annoying to be called and only hear about John this and John that, blah-dee-freaking-dah! UGH! I mean I truly, honestly am SO incredibly happy to see her this happy. It lifts my day, it honestly does. But it was a lot after seeing a wedding, saying bye to my dad, and then hearing about all this-- on top of me feeling lonely and feeling stupid for feeling lonely. I am happy for her, please don't get me wrong on that. It's just that she has no idea what's going on in my life because she doesn't ask about my life anymore and I can barely get a word in edge-wise. She's not interested in my life at the moment. And I understand that, I'm going to let her have her girly freak outs. Because we need them. Good and bad.

Like this one. I need this. Don't give me advice, I MIGHT smash a lamp over your head. I may be a forgiving person mostly, but I am still a Yoon woman. And trust me, you DO NOT want to be on this side of me. Thank goodness I haven't taken it out on anyone. I dont know who I'd take it out on-- no one deserves it. I just need to get it out, so low and behold, I write a blog that no one will read. And I still think that someone MIGHT read it, and so I get my gratification of venting out indirectly. Beautiful isn't it? Crazy as to what I consider beautiful right now. I am unbelievably irritable right now. I'm glad no one is on the receiving end. Please, for your sake, don't piss me off right now. This is my rant, my vent, my irrational splendor of psychological messiness.

Beautiful. Not.

Whatever. That's how I feel. Whatever.

And now I will attempt to shut up. Hoping that my mind will do the same.

I freaking hate life sometimes.

NEW ZEALAND!

2009-02-17T15:13:00.001-08:00

I'M STUDYING ABROAD IN NEW ZEALAND!!!!!!!!!

I love...

2009-02-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

Quiet moments with my Lord and Savior
warm, summer rains and running around and jumping in puddles, fully clothed.
classes that really stimulate my mind
ridiculously stupid youtube videos
tight, squeezing hugs
being picked up by guys in a hug-- those are my favorite
cool mornings with a slight breeze
the sound of a creek
sitting in the one sunny spot in a forest
music.
singing at the top of my lungs
daydreaming
chicken fingers
getting my nails done
dancing. I really do... swing, salsa, and just random jumping around
chocolate. mmmm
my punk clothing, jewelry, accessories
cuddling
reading all day inside when its cold and/or raining out
sleeping in as long as I can
long, hot showers
living in DC!
dogs. omgosh I love them
kids/babies
Calculus. Seriously, i love it. it's fun.
Finding out something was worth it

WHOA INAUGURATION!

2009-01-22T07:47:00.000-08:00

PHEW!

Life in DC from the 18th-20th has been particularly interesting and out of the ordinary!

Only now is life returning to the usual, boring routine of classes, rehearsals, blah, blah, blah...

I feel really cool to be a resident of Washington, DC. I've said it a million times and I'll say it again-- I absolutely LOVE living here! Where else can someone walk down the street and see the opening Inaugural ceremony at the Lincoln Memorial and watch actors and singers speak and perform?

It's so interesting talking to people outside of this city. I really feel like they're ignorant as to what's really going on. My mom is still convinced that Obama got elected because he is black and that the only people who don't like him are racist--what?!

Obama got elected for several reasons: But I think it's mainly because he promises change from George Bush's administration and policies. No one wants Bush anymore and what's more promising than a young, charismatic, and America-loving person? He just happened to be African-American and make history.

It's so interesting to see just how worlds apart I am from home... and it's only 1800 miles. CRAZY!

2009 school year!!

2009-01-14T07:42:00.000-08:00

Well classes have officially started and are well on their way!

And I gotta say.. I have a nose for good classes!

Multivariable Calculus is going to be fun. I'm so excited!!

Abnormal Psych... with the abnormal teacher. SO funny.. she cracks me up.

Criminology will be with my favorite professor

Socio-cultural Anthro--- I LOVE my professor! He's SO awesome. If I were like 30 years older I'd have a crush on him. lol.

And choir and voice lessons of course.

O and swimming.. holy cow I'm taking 7 classes. But three of them are kind of lame-sauce classes so whatever.

I think this semester is going to be really fun. Stressful yes. BUT I think it's going to be really good. I'm finally getting to the point where I'm studying the things that I am interested in. I'm no longer studying things that people tell me to study simply because they want me to. I don't have required classes that have nothing to do with what I WANT to do. I mean, I know that is useful knowledge and its good for high school and middle school minds. But all through high school, all I could think was, "Man I can't wait to get out there and start studying the things that I WANT to study!" And here we are! It's kind of a dream come true... lame dream. But one that many people don't have the opportunity to fulfill. Once again I find myself thanking God for letting me live in America with a good and supportive family.

This is it. This is my life now. I'm studying things that have to do with people, culture, and crime. And I LOVE it.

2009

2009-01-01T19:56:00.000-08:00

... is off to a start.

Neither good nor bad. But nothing disastrous has happened to me (so far). So that's definitely something to be thankful for. :)

Last night was fun. A bunch of my church friends and I went downtown for the 9 pm fireworks show. (Which was LAMMMEE). But after that we all came to my house for movies, food, and pool. It was fun-celebrating New Years with some of my closest and best friends. It was good.

Andrea spent the night so she wouldn't die at 2 in the morning by drunk driver. And the morning was great to just hang out and talk and whatnot. She and I are a lot alike. And I love that. I relate to her more than most people in my life. Which is why we get along so well. Yay Andrea!

2009 is here, whether we like it or not.

Here we go: the first 21 hours of 2009 for me.

CONS:

-My best friend and her boyfriend of three year broke up a few days ago.

---she's heartbroken and so is he. They're both needing companionship and love. They both still want it from each other-but know that it's not possible. Being a mutual friend, I am helping out both sides and I love them both. I will always be there for both of them. But it's difficult seeing two friends I love suffer through pain.

-My friend Manuel and I want to hang out but it may be very difficult since I leave on Tuesday.

-I've been feeling incredibly and increasingly lonely for the past few days.

PROS:

-I wrote a lullaby today. :)

-My family and I have had a great day so far.

-I have had time to read for fun-something that doesn't happen at school

-My friends rock

It's a good year I think. So far. Hahaha--the first 21 hours at least. :D

Hello 2009--I hope we get along.

Twilight

2008-12-29T09:12:00.000-08:00

Everyone has been raving about this novel series, starting with Twilight.

So. I'm in Barnes and Noble (one of my FAVE stores) and I happen across a paperback copy priced at $11. That's a goooodd price! So, on a bit of a whim, I buy it. Just to see what all the fuss is about.

For those of you who don't know, the series is about a human and a vampire falling in love, but obviously it has some twists that a "normal" love story would lack! Anyways, I finished reading this book last night. (I bought it Saturday.. I have time on breaks! woot)..

....

and the verdict...

It was good. Not great, but good. And I certainly disagree with any person who says it is the new Harry Potter series. You're wrong. I got into the novel. And vampire stories have always fascinated me for whatever reason (O... there's the tiny bit of goth in Jeenie?). I loved how utterly in love the two characters were with one another. And I loved how everything was depicted--the limitations on touch they had, what first attracted them to one another, etc. It was a different vampire story than what I'm used to. The only thing that constantly bothered me was how annoying that girl was!! She would just get mad at random, small things and it really irritated me. But then again, so did he.. at least he has the excuse of being a vampire! (I always imagined them very moody... what would be bipolar to a human. lol) And the fact that they made obsession look like romance... I didn't like that either. I dislike the movie The Notebook for that very reason. But I guess you can get away with a lot when there's a vampire in the story. How strange.

I'm not going to lie. The book really called out to my punk-dark side. Not in the evil sense of the word. More just my fascination for the darker side of everything. I don't like it... but I am intrigued. Hence the criminal justice major. I don't like rapists and murderers.. but something about them intrigues me. First, put them behind bars-- then psychoanalyze them. If God wills, my life will revolve around the darker side of humanity. And as strange as it is-- I can't wait. I want to bring just a smidgeon more of justice into this dying, pathetic world. If that's what I'm meant to do, I'll do it with flying colors. IF being the key word.

Overall I'd recommend the book. I'm going to try and read the next one--although I don't think I'll buy it. We'll see I suppose. It's captured my attention better than I thought it would. :D

Hallelujah!

2008-12-25T07:35:00.001-08:00

Merry CHRISTmas everybody!!!!

I have some praise to share! :D

Last night my brother and I got bored and decided to hang out in my room. Somehow, he mentioned something on evolution. Well this definitely got a conversation started. He said he believed it because there was "proof" and whatnot--to which I said, "It's called a THEORY. There's evidence, but not proof." Anyways he tried to use his argument of science being able to disprove Creationism. I loved that. Why? Because I believe God created science and the more I study it, the more I'm convinced. So what did I do? Being the nerd I am, I pulled out a periodic table. That's right. I showed him all the periodic trends--size of elements, electronegativity, etc. Then I showed him how it all seemed to be perfect. It is. The only thing we humans did was put it in numerical order. Anyways, we got into this huge conversation.

He was under the impression that good people go to heaven and bad people go to hell. I quickly disproved that. And I explained to him how I don't blame people when they say they hate Christians--the only ones they see are the crazy ones. People who protested Heath Ledger's funeral because he played a gay cowboy in a movie once--those people, I would argue, are not convicted by Christ. I tried to explain to him how the most important basis of Christianity is love--but not the love he knows. True love. I pulled out Scripture verses. He asked me about Judaism. He asked me a whole bunch of really awesome questions!!! And I am like a million percent sure God was talking because I might have been stumped by some of those. Thank God!

Anyways that's my praise today everyone!

Merry Christmas. Keep the CHRIST in Christmas and always remember:: Jesus is the reason for the season!

Dear World,

2008-12-23T18:12:00.000-08:00

You suck.

Hard core. And I hate you.

(I'm ok. I just needed to get that out.)

:)

2008-12-21T21:33:00.000-08:00

I love Colorado.

Broncos lost today. That sucked.

BUT I got to hang out with my bestest and that was all awesome.

I went to church at Riverside Baptist this morning!! O it feels so good to be home. It's welcoming to think of the wonderful people who all helped me start my real Walk with Christ. What a blessing these people are.

Andrea is leaving January 8th for YWAM--a missionary program. She'll be gone for six months, first training in Hawaii and then going to wherever the Lord leads her team.

Sam is also leaving with YWAM, either in January or May. Either way he'll be gone for two full years--living among those who are afflicted and lost.

There is no doubt in my heart or mind that God will use these individuals and their teams to spread the Word and the Good News. And He will use every and any opportunity to preach salvation. I can't wait to hear about updates and awesome conversions! And I can't wait to see how God works in each of them.

I miss all my friends from my home church. So much. I am so happy to be home.

Home Sweet Home

2008-12-18T22:34:00.000-08:00

*deep breath*... ahhhhh.....

My plane from Atlanta to Denver slid on the runway because of the ice. I LOVE Colorado!

It was interesting. On my way home I had to make a connection in Georgia.

The people on the plane from DC to Atlanta were all dressed up, most women had some name brand purse, no one was under the age of 27 or so except me and perhaps a few other passengers. The man sitting next to me is reading a golf magazine and is wearing a business suit. He is not someone I can strike up a conversation with. I literally get off this plane, walk across the hall into another plan. Flight 1909 took me to DENVER!! The best part was seeing the differences in the PASSENGERS!

People going to Colorado were all wearing Volcom hoodies, Zoo York t-shirts, skater stuff! A LOT of people were around my age and younger.. and I even saw a couple of families. Wow. What a difference.

I know I'm on my way home!!

I landed onto an icy runway and the plane slid. People were scared. I thought it was awesome. It is FREEZING here! I forgot how much fun snow can be to drive in! Today, in a half hour we got more snow than DC did the whole time I was there. And we didn't even get an inch here. LAME.

I saw my best friend! We hung out all day. And then we went to pick up my brother from high school because he was doing a call-back for Footloose. I got to see old teachers and old friends. That was awesome.

I went to college group tonight at my church. It's wonderful. It makes me wonder why I ever left it. Perhaps I really will transfer. Or maybe not. I don't know. I just know that in the one day at home so far, I've had a spectacular, happy time. I find joy and peace here. Not to say anything bad about DC or the people there. It's just that this is home. I am loved and cherished and challenged in my faith here. But in a gentle, loving way. Sometimes, dare I say, I feel closer to God here than I do in DC. So here we go with hardcore prayer. I need to know what God wants me to do so that I can obey. I surrender, O Lord. Take over. Please.. I'm not competent to have any control. I'm looking forward to a lot of great conversations, times, and memories here. :) Best Three Weeks ever.

YES!

2008-12-16T16:04:00.001-08:00

YYEEEAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finals are OVER and the semester is finally FINISHED!!

WOOT!!!!!!

I head home tomorrow afternoon-- going from 50 degree weather to -7. YES. I can't wait!

uaileurgblab;fgvodzbvdfjkzbvkjzdfb~!!!! YAY HOME!

Studying.. O the Bane of my existence...

2008-12-15T14:13:00.001-08:00

BLAH!

In four simple letters I have put how college students feel about finals (and midterms). Simple.

I have been studying all day. I was really sick this morning. Note to self: Please, please, please, please drink lots of water all day and as soon as you get up so you don't die of dehydration. Learned that the hard way this morning. Icky. What a wonderful feeling to have a pounding headache, be nauseous and super dizzy, o and vomiting too. Great. BUT it wasn't like a bad vomiting-- it only happened because I was dehydrated. Needless to say liquids have been an essential part of my diet today.

Chicken noodle soup, orange juice (from the amazing roommate), and of course lots of water. O and a Kit-Kat bar. You know you're in college when....

I got $11 back for three text books. LAMMMEEE. I spent like $50 on those three, probably more. But whatever. I don't even care anymore. Just one more full day. Tonight I study and say good-bye to my dear Matt who is leaving to study abroad in Germany. And tomorrow I sing (early! CRAP) for my VPE. My sickness is the worse in the morning. So I think I'm going to sleep by midnight and wake up by 9 am. This way I have a full two hours to wake my system up, take a shower, drink lots of water, and what have you. 11:00 means I get to go warm-up, and 11:40-11:50 I sing and perform. YES.

Three hours of studying later I have an exam at 3 pm for Violence and the Family. Which should be fairly easy. After that I'm home free!! Wednesday my roommate leaves in the morning and I will be leaving early afternoon.

COLORADO here I COME!!!

Cross your fingers friends for a smooth trip for all of us as we all head home.

And let's keep each other in our prayers as we all head home for the Christmas season, remembering what our Lord and Savior did for us and how He was brought into this world.

January 6 I will return to GW. And I'll be healthy, rested, happy, and spiritually renewed. Can't wait! :)

What a useless day...

2008-12-14T16:21:00.000-08:00

Ugh I feel like I've just wasted a lot of time today.

Church was ok. I love worship and singing and all but my voice is shot from doing two consecutive a cappella concerts and now I sound like a frog getting run over by a truck every morning. O, don't worry. By mid-day it gets to sound only like a sick frog on the side of the road.

I am finding issues with my church. We never just read through a book of the Bible and interpret it--it's what we do at home, in Colorado at my home church. It's what I'm used to. I honestly do feel like God wanted me at this church in DC last year but lately I feel like something is changing. I don't know if He wants me to stay and bring opinions to the table. Or if He wants me to find a new church. Either way I just need to pray through this. I feel like this is such a big decision that I need to really think through this and let God take the reigns. He's kind of in charge after all.

On top of that I think my a cappella group had the worse gig ever today.

Ever.

My buddy Dave got us the gig for this Christian group. All we had to do was sing some Christmas carols and entertain the kids, say thanks and get outta there. Nope. That's not what happened. We don't normally do Christmas carols. We did not sound good. We couldn't get right pitches. (We also didn't have a pitch-pipe). And rhythms were always wrong--completely my bad. But because we didn't know these songs we just sounded awful. It was funny in an "this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever done" kind of way. And of course, because it was the first time as the new music director that I directed a gig by myself I can't help but correlate the bad gig to my being director. I know it's ridiculous. But I can't help it. I know that pitches were wrong because we didn't have a pitch pipe and because we didn't know these songs. I know rhythms were wrong because we've done these carols like once before and the rhythms are always different. I know that we only had like 10 people. *sigh* I know it's not my fault. I just feel that with this position I have more of a responsibility now and that I have to claim responsibility over that awful gig. Thank goodness we weren't getting paid. I would have returned the money and apologized.

But I've been getting encouragement from different members of the group. I don't think I have authority quite yet because our real music director (who is studying abroad next semester-hence me taking over) hasn't left yet. I think once he is gone it'll become a serious thing. Right now I'm just freaking out. I hope that I don't screw this semester up. I hope Matt comes back and sees that I've done an awesome job and stuff... one can hope.

I know I can do this. I just need to calm down. Really. Because God's in charge of this too. And I know and trust in that. I just need to breathe and let go. I'm not music director yet. Not as long as this semester is in session. Three days till Colorado and Lord knows how I can't wait.

Inspiration or Procrastination?

2008-12-13T20:42:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in Ivory Towers--specifically on my friend Kate's bed. There are four of us, Kate and her roommate and my roommate and me.

I have no reason to create this blog.

Kate studied abroad in Uganda and then spent a lot of her time in Africa. She's awesome.

She kept a blog.

I am inspired to keep a blog now.

This probably won't last. But if it does-- welcome to my mind! Please excuse the mess. :)