Back in DC

Hello DISTRICT!

Well it's been really GOOOOOD for me to be back here in DC after my semester abroad in NZ. I still find myself in disbelief that it's over already. But no worries--i'll be back as soon as I possibly can be. :D

I had been afraid that while I was in Colorado I had hyped up what it would be like to return to DC. But I am happy that it's been very good. I was picked up at the airport by AJ and Kaia and they drove me to my friend Ryan's house who I was staying with for the night. I moved in today and have met one of my two roommates. The room is nice and clean and big and I love our kitchen. So I'm excited about this semester.

It'll be nice to keep busy and not have to think about anything or anyone that takes up too much emotion. I already have 4 gigs set up for Troubadours and I can't wait to start rehearsing again and meeting the new Troubs. It will be a good, fast semester.

Dear Dylan

Dear Dylan,

I've just finished reading your notebook (or as the rest of the world calls it: your diary).

And it makes me so sad. You were just a high school boy, tormented by the "popular" jocks. It's not until the last few pages that you really start illustrating a violence towards others. All the first 40-some pages were about you and your own self-hatred. And it makes me sad. You were just a high school boy: I would be willing to bet that a few years from that point you would have been a lot more mature. I wonder what your childhood was like, how your parents treated you, how your elementary school teachers were to you.

I can tell you were an awkward youth, tormented by the bullies and the fact that you didn't know how to speak to girls. I wish you hadn't hated your life so much. Just from reading your entries, I feel like it was Eric's literal hate of the world that pulled you into the events of April 20, 1999. I know he was the ring-leader. He came up with this idea: and although you helped, you wouldn't have had the guts to do this on your own. I wonder if he would have done it anyway if you had refused to help. I think the part you were looking forward to most was the suicidal part: ending your miserable life. For him, it was more about killing others. It was actually about the hate he harbored for so many people and things. I so wish someone could have reached out to you and that you would have seen that person and accepted their love. But things happen for a reason, even tragedy.

So much of the stories surrounding April 20 is all about the victims and their families: and although they are extremely important, it's all too easy to forget about the perpetrators, who were victims as well. Victims of being outcasted, bullied, hated for being different. I am, in no way, trying to justify what you and Eric did that day. It was wrong in every aspect and it should never have happened. 13 innocent people died that day. And you took their lives from them. But I do see where you may have been coming from. I don't know why this all happened, but I trust that it has happened for a reason. There's a part of me that wonders what would have happened if you hadn't walked into Columbine High School that morning armed with guns and pipe bombs. But I guess there's really no point in wondering that.

I don't really know how to end this letter, especially considering you'll never read it. So I'll just end it here. I'll never forget Columbine.

Post-Africa

Africa was... incredible. In so many ways. 

It was incredible to sing there and share American music. And also to learn all sorts of cool songs in the African style. 

It was incredible to see all the beautiful scenery

It was incredible to learn about the history of South Africa and the recent past. 

But mostly, it was incredible to be living in a different culture, just for a few days, among a more humble people. I have never been so blatantly face to face with poverty. And I've never been so humbled. People there have little to nothing, and find so much joy in life. They find joy in having a family, having any clothes or any shelter whatsoever, no matter how shabby. They find joy in their friendships and neighbors. People here long for education, food, shelter, clothing, water, electricity, etc. They struggle with basic needs daily... and yet they find more joy in their lives than some of the richest people in the world. My mom always told me it was better to be poor and happy, than rich and unhappy. I believed it then, I believe it even more now. 

In ten days in Africa, I feel like I've actually changed. Something within my perspective and the way I think about the world is no longer the same. I simply cannot complain. I just can't anymore. Entire families live in homes the size of my bedroom. Single rooms, with no mattresses, no running water for cleaning or bathrooms, no privacy. I have everything in the world. I live in the most powerful country, I have more than enough of the basic needs, and then I have accessories. 

I'm sick of the same old stuff here. Seriously. The things I found funny at one point now give me a mild smile. They're just not funny. And the things that I used to really care about--don't matter anymore. 

I have come home to a CO that hasn't changed. To a place where all the people are the exact same people I left, but older. They laugh at the same stuff, they find distress in the same stuff, their routines are barely any different... and I have changed. The world I grew up in is the same. But the world I live in now is drastically different. My heart aches for DC and for my friends there. They are my true friends, the lifelong ones. I have a few lifelong friends in CO, of course. Jamie. Obviously. I hardly need to clarify. But other than that, Colorado doesn't feel like home as much as it used to. DC is home. Colorado feels like a long vacation. For the first time in my life, I don't actually want to be here. I want to be with people in DC, who shared my Africa experience and understand where I stand. No one here gets it.. they can't. They weren't with me. What am I to do? My heart actually hurts. I want to go home. 

South Africa

YAY!!!! I am so excited about the fact that I'm going to be in South Africa for 10 days!!! 

I can't believe that my choir gets to do this. 

We all get to do a bunch of service projects: working/playing with orphan kids, sponsoring young adults/students, and painting/building houses. I can't wait to feel like I might be doing something right. Something that God wants me to do--to help those who are poor, lonely. God focuses so much of His attention on the poor of the world-in so many ways. 

He wants us to help those who are financially and materially poor. 

He wants us to help those who are spiritually poor--those who do not know Him. 

And even though all these projects are sponsored through the choir tour, it's just a simple taste of the stuff that I could do to help those around me. I really can't wait to spend time down there, making new friends and getting to know the true needs. 

I pray that God would make this a fun trip--but more importantly, a spiritual one. One that will make me open the Bible and seek answers. One that will make me want to spend more time in prayer. One that will ensure that I see God's face among those whom I will work with. 

I know this is going to be incredible. 

:) 

Weekend in NY

So right after my last final I decided I wanted to spend the weekend in New York City to hang out with my cousins. Sleep just hasn't been something that's really happened. haha. 

Thursday I pulled an all nighter for a final, and then I went to a party till 3 am. I got to bed around 4, and woke up at 8 to catch my 9 am bus to NY. 

I slept on the bus though. Of course. 

So I get to NY and I have directions to find my new cousin-in-law Damien and get the spare keys to the apartment I would be staying at. My cousin Jiwun, (who I was staying with) was out golfing at the time. So I met Damien, (after much confusion at the subway), got the keys, and got back to 84th Street (I don't even know how). I was hanging out in the apartment for a few minutes when my cousin got back. He changed and whatnot and we talked and laughed for a few hours. We decided to have dinner with his sister and my cousin Haewon. (who is Damien's wife). We went to this middle-eastern restaurant, that was absolutely wonderful. I had lamb kabobs... so GOOD! haha. Anyways we ate dinner, and then we got dessert at this little bakery. We went to Haewon and Damien's place and chilled for a while. I was getting sleepy, and decided to head home. Jiwun was going out to play cards, which he invited me to but I declined. Something about sitting in a smoky room watching boys play poker isn't something I wanted to do, especially when sleep seemed so inviting. :) 

So that's day one. I slept in till 11:30 the next day, which was AWESOME. 

We grabbed brunch at the Grape and Grain. I had granola with yogurt, almonds, and fruit--which sounds boring but it was delicious. 

We walked back to Haewon's and then Jiwun and I got a cab back to the apartment so I could be picked up by my buddy David, who was driving me back to DC. 

And here comes to fun part of the weekend::

David and I drove out and were about a half hour into Jersey, when his car died. We waited an hour for roadside assistance to come help. They missed us the first time, circled back, and told us there was nothing they could do unless they went back to the shop to get a little part. We agreed to do that, since the shop was close. They came back within another half hour with an entire battery (which was NOT the part we had talked about), and told us they had to charge us $150. Just to get off the road, David and I split the cost. We found out the battery wasn't the problem after all. So they take out the new battery, put the old one back in, and tell us we'd be refunded. Then they tell us there's nothing they can do so they call a tow truck. 

45 minutes passes before the tow arrives. (BTW, its about 10 pm by this point. And we broke down around 6). We get towed off the road, with plans to call AAA and have them come fix the problem, and then we could just get to DC around 2 am. 

Turns out, David didn't have the card and AAA is a bit anal about this apparently. 

After many phone calls and arguments, AAA comes. As we wait in this dingy office with some pretty nice people, we're calling friends and family in NY to let them know what's going on. 

AAA shows up and it looks like they can't fix it. Our last option is to have the car towed back to Brooklyn and stay one more night in NY. So we decide to go for it. But the guy won't take the car unless he gets approval from his boss (who is unreachable) to take us. We finally figure our payment and whatnot and he loads the car and we're on our way out to Brooklyn. After another 45 minutes or so we FINALLY get to our destination. It is now 1:30 am. 

I got to DC this afternoon around 4 pm after taking the bus with David. 

FUn weekend. lol.

UGHHH

I don't know why, but lately I've been feeling pretty angry... like all the time. I just don't know why. Tiny things set me off and I'm just mad the rest of the day. It's kind of weird... I'm not used to being all angsty... isn't all that teenage angst supposed to disappear as you grow up? 

I mean, I thought I got that whole deal out of the way in high school. All I did then was hate and be angry at everything. Why is this coming back? 

The main thing I want to say all the time is "uggghh"... and for some reason, I've been really wanting to get in a fist fight with someone--like if someone tried to steal my bag. I think that'd be a legit reason to get into a fight. Realistically, that's a very stupid thing to do and I don't think I'd go along with it. But still, it's this overwhelming feeling to punch a wall or something hard and inanimate. I just really don't want to break my hand. 

I hate feeling this way. I feel like I need to just explode and let it out, but I have no idea how to do so. Who can I talk to without taking it out on them and cursing them out? No one deserves that. What can I do?? AAAHHHHHHH!! 

Honestly, I think I'm just getting sick of people in general. And it's that piled on top of it being the end of the school year, work loads increasing, and the fact that I have 4 finals and a voice performance exam. I want this year to be over. And I want it to be over so I can go home, chill out with people I adore at home for a month, and then leave for an entire semester. Wow, New Zealand has never been so appealing. 

Please pray for me. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. But if its' God's will, then so be it. If I grow from this, it's worth it. I just need that reminder. 

....

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey world--shut up.