Catch Me If You Can

I think that's something I've tried to tell God a few times before, and each time He lets me run for a while (probably laughing at me, as I run in circles), waits for me to get tired enough to stop, and then comes in with His convicting Truth. 

Well I just recently stopped running in stupid circles. If it were an actual path, I'd probably running in the ground 3 feet deep because I had run the same steps a million times. I've been feeling very empty and very hungry lately. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I knew I was hungry for God and that the only thing that wouldn't make me feel empty was God. But I did that whole thing where I tried to justify that I wasn't far from God because I do regular quiet times, I pray, I go to church, I sing worship songs, blah, blah, blah... it's dangerous to let those things that are so crucial to your Walk become a routine. Which is exactly what I did. 

Before I became a Christian and gave my life to Christ, I was an extremely bitter person. If I had to describe myself in one word, "bitter" would be it. I hated everything about everything. People sucked, life sucked, everyone was stupid, including myself, and nothing good ever lasted. But then I was found and rescued by Jesus and all that bitterness disappeared. I was able to forgive those who had wounded me so deeply, I learned that all of the evil in my life was forgiven, and I was able to let go of all that bitterness. It melted away, simply disappeared. And in it's place there existed love, passion, caring, and faith. What a wonderful feeling! 

And then I got to college. And since freshmen year, these bitter feelings have been returning. Slowly, but surely. I have paranoia issues. I didn't join a Christian fellowship for an entire semester because I thought everyone in that group was just judgmental and judged me and didn't think I was a good Christian, and blah.... and although I still think I was right when it came to some people (mainly just two or three), I definitely read into things the wrong way. I was overly paranoid that people thought I wasn't a real Christian because I'd be holding a Soho cup full of Sprite at a random party. I didn't want people to think I was drinking underage or getting drunk... I didn't want people to get the wrong idea of me. So I automatically jumped to conclusions and placed the blame on those around me, so I wouldn't have to deal with it myself. I have issues with my Christian fellowship here. I do. But now that I think about it, I think that'd be true of anywhere I was, and any other group I'd be a part of. No group is perfect. No church is perfect. We are all broken people living in a broken world. The difference is found in who has Christ and who doesn't. It's easy to forget that. 

Anyways, I've been doing some pretty good devotionals and quiet times. And this morning I've decided to cut the BS, stop skirting around and beating around the bushes, and dive in. I no longer care about what I'm going to learn about myself. I'm pursuing Christ with all that I have again. I'm sick of being afraid of seeing something about myself that Christ doesn't like. If He doesn't like it, it needs to go. But I need to know about it first. SO there we go--I'm getting over myself. I know there will be pains and uncomfortable discoveries about myself, about others, and whatnot... but anything is worth getting closer to Jesus Christ. I can't believe I let myself forget that. If I suffer, it is only because Jesus thinks I am worthy to. I'm sick of being a "bare minimum" Christian. I'm done with that crap. No more distractions, no more excuses. Christ is the center again. I hate that it's taken me so long to get to this point, but I'm here and that's all that matters. 

I've always been okay with Christ. Now I'm pursuing a place to be great with Christ. 

So now, it's not to Christ that I say this, but to the world: Catch me if you can. 

Love is...

phew. 

My best friend is currently up here in DC visiting me for Spring Break! Its fun, I get to do all the tourist stuff I don't have time to do when school is in. So that's nice. But it's been a rough couple of days to be honest. She has just started this new relationship with this guy, we'll call him Blake. They've been "official" for like 2 weeks, but they've really been dating for a month and a half or so now. I've been concerned about her. She's always had anxiety (to the point where I don't understand why she hasn't been put on anti-anxiety meds yet). And it tends to increase in unfamiliar places with unfamiliar people. So here she is, in DC, with only one person she knows well enough to feel comfortable at all. And the whole week before spring break, her and Blake were having troubles. He's the type of person to really cut himself off from society when he gets stressed out, and right before spring break is the inevitableness of midterms. Stress is high and mighty during this week, especially for an engineer, which is what he is. So anyways, I've been getting calls all week from a frantic and anxious best friend who tends to read into things too much because of her anxiety and continuously worries, even if logic is on her side. 

Anyways, the night before she came up here things with Blake got slightly better. Not enough to change the whole relationship to the way it was before, but enough to get her by. But of course, it still wasn't enough to quell her anxiety enough to enjoy where she is and who she's visiting. I've had to deal with her being constantly online just to see if he pops up, constantly checking and re-checking her phone for missed calls and/or text messages, and the random thoughts that come out of her mouth about him in the middle of conversation. It's been rough, to be quite frank. And I've had to constantly keep myself from simply rolling my eyes at her. 

But then this morning, the Lord sent me a little reminder in a very unexpected way. My roommate and I are trying to memorize verses: starting with easy ones that everyone already knows. We do this mainly by writing the verse on a notecard, sticking it into a plastic back, and duct-taping it to the far wall in the shower. Each of us spend 10-15 minutes in the shower and it gives us 10-15 minutes to memorize. Currently, the verse that is in the shower is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.... ahhh now this blog makes sense doesn't it? 

This is what the verse says: "Love is patient and kind, it does not envy or boat, it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist upon its own way, it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 

...

Needless to say, it kind of hit me. For the two days she's been here, I have been IMPATIENT and IRRITABLE and RESENTFUL. I have not hoped in this, believed in this, born this, or endured all this. I have not been loving her the way God loves her. I haven't been loving her the way God wants me to love her. And I felt ashamed. All I could think about was how I was the victim of such anxiety-- she's the real victim. I don't have anxiety to that level. And she's expressing how she feels--> how many times do I wish people did that more often? I've been the hypocrite and jerk this whole time. And it's amazing how a little reminder from God can change everything. I am going to patient now. Not resentful nor irritable. I will bear this, believe this, hope this, and endure this. Thank God for His little reminders. :)

Would You Rather.... (read all the way)

• sleep for a full day and be awake the rest of the week, or sleep normally??
• lie on a bed of needles or walk over coal?
• eat rocky mountain oysters or have a spider walk on you?
• be tan and have dry skin or be pale and have moist skin?
• be deaf or blind?
• do 2000 hours of community service or spend 4 days in prison?
• give up chocolate forever or have permanent health?
• have cancer at 20 and have 6 months to do whatever, or get cancer at 65 and have a year?
• die for the world, or for the ones most precious to you?
• try and survive a concentration camp or be a torturer within one?
• see a loved one suffer till death or be the one to perform euthanasia?
• be popular but a liar, or lose friends over things you stand firm on?
• love only one person forever or love all people temporarily?
• be told everyone hated you or have people lie to you and pretend they liked you
• see a loved one suffer severe consequences they deserve or take their pains and consequences on yourself even though you're innocent?
  
• forgive, knowing they'd never accept it, or not forgive and give them what they deserved?
• live a life of "fun" and spend eternity in hell or live the most awful, poverty-stricken, unhappy life and spend eternity in heaven?
• believe there was a God and find out there wasn't one or not believe and find out He was real?

A rant, if you will.

I apologize to any of my readers in advanced. This will be a stupid, pointless, girly rant. So please do yourselves a favor and don't read this if you're not up for being annoyed with me. :) 

I say this for your own good. lol. 

This weekend was interesting. It was good... kinda. My cousin got married and I loved the ceremony, I made new friends, and her husband is awesome. I couldn't be happier for her. Of course, the thorny side of witnessing such a beautiful thing is that inevitable longing to be in a relationship. I really miss being in one. But more than that, I really miss having someone to look after me. And not having to fend for myself all the time. I know, I know... Christ looks after me and protects me more than I know of. I KNOW THAT. But that doesn't mean I know it, think about it, and *poof* the longing disappears. If that were the case I'd be perfectly fine, this blog probably wouldn't exist, and you all would be spared my incoherent and pointless thoughts. O, if life were so easy. But I really do just need to get this out of my head and onto something else so it's not preoccupying my mind too much. 

The best thing about this weekend was seeing my dad. I love my dad more than most people. He gives me wise words and quiet love all the time. He makes me laugh, he comforts me when I cry. He is a father that I wish every other child could have. Spending time with him this weekend made the whole weird emotions thing worth it. I really miss him a lot already. Hugs from my dad are the most comforting thing ever. And saying good-bye to him is one of the worse feelings I know. 

I learned a lot about my family. Never tick off a Yoon woman. Seriously... that saying "Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned" has never been truer. You laugh at that: but it's not a good thing. They don't know how to forgive. If someone is wrong about anything or insulting in any way, forgiveness is the last thing on their minds. And to me, it was shocking to see the utter unforgiveness. On our way to the wedding, it was raining. When it rains in NYC, cabs don't exist unless you caught one right when it started. So we paid, fairly cheaply, for a limosine to take us there. Yeah... what?? Anyways, the man didn't really know where he was going. He wasn't a taxi driver, after all. But we did end up being 20 minutes late or so. And yes, I was annoyed. But everyone else was PEEVED beyond all reason and saying some really unforgiving things about this man they didn't know-- who was trying to be as sweet as possible. I'm sure he already felt stupid. I felt so bad for him. It was heartbreaking to see the absolute pride that each of them held. It's the reason for all the drama in our family that already exists, which I will NOT go into detail about. 

O and a few of my cousins are into some really weird stuff. For example, two of them (who are married) have a painting in their house. Juan showed me a picture of this painting. And it was DISTURBING. It was a baby, with the head of a lamb, pinned to a cross. It was very dark, and it honestly makes me fear them a little bit. I've always seen signs of them being into some really weird stuff, but I denied it-- thinking that I was just jumping to conclusions. I'm older and smarter now, and unfortunately, less able to ignore such things. Ignorance is bliss. 

And my best friend, bless her soul, is now officially in a relationship. Again. She broke up with someone a little while ago. And I was glad for it because it was an unhealthy relationship. But now she's in that honeymoon phase all over again. I just can't help but ask: why not me? She gets all this attention from guys and God forbid that I be spared from being told about ANY of them. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself with her. For the most part I don't. It's just that it's annoying to be called and only hear about John this and John that, blah-dee-freaking-dah! UGH! I mean I truly, honestly am SO incredibly happy to see her this happy. It lifts my day, it honestly does. But it was a lot after seeing a wedding, saying bye to my dad, and then hearing about all this-- on top of me feeling lonely and feeling stupid for feeling lonely. I am happy for her, please don't get me wrong on that. It's just that she has no idea what's going on in my life because she doesn't ask about my life anymore and I can barely get a word in edge-wise. She's not interested in my life at the moment. And I understand that, I'm going to let her have her girly freak outs. Because we need them. Good and bad. 

Like this one. I need this. Don't give me advice, I MIGHT smash a lamp over your head. I may be a forgiving person mostly, but I am still a Yoon woman. And trust me, you DO NOT want to be on this side of me. Thank goodness I haven't taken it out on anyone. I dont know who I'd take it out on-- no one deserves it. I just need to get it out, so low and behold, I write a blog that no one will read. And I still think that someone MIGHT read it, and so I get my gratification of venting out indirectly. Beautiful isn't it? Crazy as to what I consider beautiful right now. I am unbelievably irritable right now. I'm glad no one is on the receiving end. Please, for your sake, don't piss me off right now. This is my rant, my vent, my irrational splendor of psychological messiness. 

Beautiful. Not. 

Whatever. That's how I feel. Whatever. 

And now I will attempt to shut up. Hoping that my mind will do the same. 

I freaking hate life sometimes.